The Good, The Bad, And SNAPE
by The Parody King
Summary: Snape isn't on Voldemort's side. Snape isn't on Dumbledore's side. Snape's on his own side. When Dumbledore asks him to rejoin Voldemort, Snape decides to play them both off, getting rich in the process. Western film spoof and James Bond Parody. Humor. DH
1. Fistful of Galleons

**THE HALF-BLOOD PRIN**_**CE**_

_WHOOSH!_

Directed by **T**_**HE**_** PAR**_**ODY**_** KI**_**NG**_

_WHOOSH! WHOOSH!_

_Co Starring __**HA**_**RR**_**Y POTTER **__and __**HE**_**RMI**_**ON**_E

_WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH!_

**THE**_** GOOD**_

_WHOOSH!_

**THE**_** BAD**_

_WHOOSH!_

**AND**_** SNAPE**_

_WHOOSH!_

**H**_**BP/**_** D**_**H**__**s**_**poilers**

Severus Snape walked into a graveyard, cloak draped over himself. He had been told by Dumbledore to come. And he had a few plans, himself.

"Dark lord," He said to himself, "I might just be returnin' to your services. But you should know I don't work cheep."

He lit a cigar in his mouth and blew smoke into the darkness, thinking this might make him look cool.

**Late**_**r **_**Tha**_**t **_**Even**_**ing**_.

"What makes you think I'll believe you?" Asked Voldemort, hands ready to draw his wand.

"Well, you've known all along I go where the money is." Said Snape, calmly. "And it looks like you may just be hittin' the jack pot by takin' over the world and all that."

Voldemort eased his hand.

"Yes," He said, "I might get pretty rich from it. And defiantly, if I tax the blood out of all the muggleborns."

"Me, I just call em' mudbloods." Said Snape, chewing on his cigar. "And you should know Dumebledore told me ta' come over here as a spy, but this way, I can spy on him' without him suspectin' it."

"Fine then," Said Voldemort. "Your back on the team. How much do you wish to be paid."

"No less than what I deserve." Said Snape. "I'll say about a hundred galleons ta start."

"Done. You will start by spying on Dumbledore."

-

"That much for that vial betrayer?!" Bellowed Lucius, once Snape had left. "You've never paid me that much!"

"That's because you _are_ a vial betraye, Lucius." Said Voldemort. "And if you get on the Half-Blood Prince's bad side, you'll be a dead one. No one dares mess with the Prince, except me and... Dumbledore."

-

"The dark lord told me ta' come here and spy on you all." Said Snape, blowing smoke into Dumbledore's office. "This is gunna take a load of actin', so I better get paid well."

"You will," Said Dumbledore, fingering his pipe. "A hundred galleons to start. You will start by spying on Voldemort. I can give you fake things to tell him about me."

"Then that's what I'll do." Said Snape, getting up.

Dumbledore drew his wand, shouted "_Avata Kadavra_", and jet of green light hit Fawkes the phoenix, killing it.

Snape left.

-

Snape aperated back to the graveyard, whistling the theme of the muggle film, "A Few Dollars More".

"Squibs and muggleborns feel fear!" Chanted the enchanted skeletons.

"Dumbledore told me ta' come here and spy on you all." Said Snape, "This is gonna take a load of actin', so I better get paid more."

"You will", Said Voldemort, fingering his bone-like wand which was also a pipe. "A hundred more galleons. I can give you fake things to tell him about me."

"Startin' with?" Asked Snape, putting his wand to a cigar in his mouth, and murmuring "Flamatartis".

"'Startin' with' the 'weapon'. You know of which, I speak. The one that gives me real good stealth. Since you, I, and Dumbledore were the only ones who know what it said, we all have a piece of the clue of where it's hidden. Tell him my piece says it lies in the Department of Mysteries, in the Ministry of Magic. When my clue _really_ says the pensive in the place my father grew up in. Which is where we are, now. Find out Dumbledore's clue!"

"I will.", Said Snape, lighting his cigar with the tip of his wand.

"Squibs and muggleborns feel fear!" Chanted the enchanted skeletons, again.

-

"His clue for the 'weapon' lies somewhere where he is now." Said Snape, to Dumbledore.

"Excellent. Tell him my clue says it lies in a, uh, toilet. He'll be digging up real shit, thinking someone flushed it. While my clue _really _says the pensive lies in a graveyard."

"That would mean", said Snape, "The pensive lies in the graveyard where Voldermort is now."

"Indeed." Said Dumbledore, "You must go and give Voldemort the false information. I will send a member of the order to help you dig up the pensive. Only you know the name of the grave it's uner."

Snape left.

-

"Squibs and muggleborns feel fear!" Chanted the skeletons, Voldemort had enchanted.

"It lies in this graveyard." Said Snape.

"Excellent!" Said Voldemort, "Now, you must tell me the name of the grave it lies under!"

"'Tom Riddle'." Said Snape.

With this, Voldemort paced among graves, searching for his father's grave.

At last, he found it.

"You dig!" Said Voldemort, conjuring a shovel.

Snape began digging, but then another shovel was conjured.

Serious Black threw a shovel to Voldemort.

This match had just gotten personal.

"I think you better start digging." Said Sirius, "The Half-Blood Prince is on my side. You can't fight both him and me."

Voldermort's shovel hit something.

He drew it out, and opened it.

There, lay the body of his father.

"What did your clue really say?" Asked Voldemort.

Snape looked from one to the other, judging how much money each was worth.

"How bout'" Said Snape, "I write out it really says on this stone."

He picked up a stone and got out his wand to etch on it.

He walked away, then placed it down, by his side.

"You know you can't fight me and the other," Said Snape, "Let's find out where my true allegiances lie the old fashioned way."

Voldemort and Sirius approached on either side.

Voldemort's hand went over his wand.

Sirius's hand went over his wand.

Snape's hand went over his wand.

Sirius drew his wand.

Snape drew his wand.

Voldemort drew his wand.

Snape pointed his wand and shouted "Avata Kadavra!".

Voldemort pointed his wand and shouted "Avata Kadavra!".

Sirius pointed his wand and shouted "Avata Kadavra!".

_WHOOSH!_

A jet of green light headed towards Sirius, which he avoided.

_WHOOSH!_

A jet of green light headed towards Voldemort, which he avoided.

_WHOOSH!_

A jet of green light headed towards Sirius, which killed him.

"What's written on the rock?" Asked Voldemort, after Snape had killed Sirius.

"Nothing." Said Snape, "The grave is unmarked."

Voldemort found the grave with no name, and used a spell to auto dig it.

"Here is the pensive!" Said Voldemort, taking the foggy object out.

"Indeed.", Said Snape, "Since Dumbledore's clue stated it lay in a graveyard, I suppose it made him think you were lying to me. And soon figured out it was probably here."

Voldemort lifted the pensive, tung out so he would look more like a crazy person, ready to smash the pensive.

Fawkes flew into view and grabbed the pensive.

"No!" Shout Voldemort, and shot down the phoenix.

The phoenix twisted in the air, then flew strait down, in circles.

It's fire grew as it reached the ground.

It crashed and exploded.

A tiny Trelawney appeared, but was too far away to be heard, and vanished.


	2. License to Use Unforgivable Curses

Snape watched from a dark corner, as Amelia Bones entered her room. It had been a year since Voldemort returned, and not much had happened until now. Voldemort had decided to reveal himself, and was raging war.

Snape quickly locked all doors, magically.

It was so dark in the room, it almost looked like they're lives were in black and white.

Bones, not to be confused with the guy from Star Trek, sat down.

She then noticed Snape's presence.

"So you are the one calling himself a 'DeathEater'." She said, adjusting her monocle. "You, I suppose, are the one behind that whole pensive thing. But that only gives you one kill. To be one of he who must not be named's deatheaters, you need-"

"Two." Interrupted Snape, in a chair opposite hers.

She squinted at him for a moment through her monocle.

"How did that falsely convicted murderer die?" She asked.

"Black?" Asked Snape, "Not well."

"It's a pity you'll be joining him." Said Bones, "You defiantly have some talent."

She lifted up her wand.

"Farewell." She said, but what she was holding was an ordinary stick.

Snape lifted her real wand.

"I know where you keep this." He said, cooly.

"Oh," Said Bones, trying to change the subject, "Well, you needn't worry, I second is always-"

Snape thought, _Avata Kadavra,_ and jet of green light knocked Bones out of her chair.

"Yes," Said Snape, to the dead body, "Considerably."

He lifted his wand as color filled the room. Then apperated.

_**$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ The Good, The Bad, and $nape $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$**_

_You always have to work alone,_

_When you're a secret spy_

_It's just you;_

_Your wizarding ropes;_

_And your 16-inch, mahogany,_

_Dragon heart skin,_

_Waaaaaaaaand!_

"You killed her cleanly." Said Voldemort, "Too cleanly, in fact. I'll have to make it look like I did it, just so no one will suspect. Your going to be looking over my highest assignment. But I want you to take your ego, and your greasy hair, out of the deal."

"So, V, you want me to be half hit-man, half pretty boy." Said Snape. 'V' was the code name for Voldemort.

Voldemort snarled.

"I knew it was to early to promote you." He said.

"Well, V, I'm aware deatheaters have a very short life expectancy," Said Snape, "So your mistake will soon be undone."

"I'm only saying that swamp on your head draws attention to yourself.Anyway, you know the mission your mission at the wizzarding school. Go back to Hogwarts, and continue pretending your Dumbledore's secret spy."

Snape left.

_**You know my name, it's Sna-a-a-a-a-a-ape. Severus Sna-a-a-a-a-ape.**_

"Welcome, Severus," Said Dubmledore.

"Hello, D." Said Snape, referring to Dumbledore as his code name.

"I have concocted an all new device for you to use." Dumbledore said.

He pulled out a small, cylinder shaped woodchunk.

"It is an auto-matic death curse." Dumbledore explained__"Just activate it and for it in, under, or on someone. And showers of green light will kill whoever's there, instantly."

Snape took the piece of wood.

"Now, Snape," Said Dumbledore, "I need you to track down Lucius Malfoy, we have detected him at 007 latitude and 22 longitude."

Snape left.

_**When troubles on both sides. **_

_**And they both want you, but you don't want them,**_

_**sometimes you have to make the decision, **_

_**to live and let die!**_

_**Live en' let die!**_

_**Live en' let die!**_

There was Lucius. Peptalking to his son. They were both at the train station to school.

There was also Mad-Eye Moody, helping Snape to catch him.

"Mad-eye," Said Snape, through a wizarding walkie-talkie, "Cover your eye."

"What?" Asked Mad-eye.

"Your eye!"

But it was too late, Lucius saw Mad-eye's recognizable eye, and ran for it.

Snape pursued.

Lucius leaped on the train as it went off.

Snape jumped on it, too.

Lucius leaped from train car to train car.

Snape did the same.

Lucius soon ran out of cars, and turned around, facing Snape.

He shot a curse, which blew up Snape's car, and released Lucius's from the train.

Snape leaped and landed on Lucius's train car.

Lucius dived into the car.

Snape jumped after him, and swung through the window.

Lucius punched the wand out of Snape's hand, and tumbled baggage from the baggage compartment on him.

Snape fell.

Lucius drew his wand, and poked it into Snape head.

"Goodbye." He said.

Snape took out the automatic deathcurser, and threw it up into the air.

Snape then leaped from the train car, and onto the track.

A ball of green light destroyed the entire car.

Lucius's body flew from it and landed, face up, next to Snape.

"Indeed." Said Snape, looking down at his dead body.


	3. The SNAPE Identity

_theGOOD_theBADand**SNAPE**

Snape was walking back to the train station to get a ride back to Hogwarts when his cell phone rang.

"Glidderoy Lockheart has escaped from Saint Mongo's Hospital!" Said Dumbledore's voice.

"And why should that concern me?" Asked Snape. "Hold on, I have another call."

"I coming to kill you, Snapey." Said the voice of Lockheart. "I'm going to kill you for taking my job as Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher."

"But you don't remember having it?" Said Snape. "Why should you doubt your own... memories?"

"Listen closely to what I'm about to say to you." Said Lockheart. "I remember."

Snape froze.

"I remember everything." Lockheart's voice said. "Where are you right now?"

"I'm in my office." Said Snape, lying.

"I seriously doubt that, Severus." Said Lockheart.

"And why do you doubt it?"

"Because if you were, we'd be having this conversation there."

Snape summoned a broom, and flew off.

He reconnected to Dumbledore.

"We've got to get back to Hogwarts!" He said, "Get back to Hogwarts, now!"

When Snape arrived, he saw Lockheart zooming off on a broom.

"After him." He said to a long line of Oras on brooms.

They all persued, along with Snape.

Snape had to dodge crashing brooms flying everywhere.

Taking out his wand, Snape got back his James Bond groove.

He flew alined with Lockheart.

Lockheart drew his wand.

Snape thought _Avata Kadavra _and Lockheart was shot off his broom.

Snape spun off his broom, and walked up to the limp body.

"Clearly." Said Snape, to the dead wizard, "Fame isn't everything, is it, Mr. Lockheart?"

_**The wizard who hated meeeeee.**_

Snape attended Slughorn's party in his dressropes, that Christmas.

"I'll have an oak mattered martini." He said, "Shaken, not stirred."

"Welcome, Snapey." Said Slughorn.

"Do not... call me 'Snapey'." Said Snape.

"Very well, Mr. Snape," Said Slughorn, "Let me introduce you to a real, live vampire!"

"Vampire," Slughorn said to the vampire. "This is..."

Slughorn frowned, not knowing what Snape wished him to call him.

"Snape." Said Snape, "Severus Snape."

"That's my line!" Whined Draco.

"You stole it from me." Said Snape.

"No," Said Draco, "I stole from this genre of muggle movies and books called-"

"Draco, you son of a bitch!" Said Slughorn, politely, "I don't seem to remember inviting you, you little blond bastard!"

"You didn't." Said Snape, cooly. "Excuse me while I escort Draco to his dormitory.

"But-" Said Slughorn.

"He is my student, and I may stop him from going to a wild party if I wish."

Slughorn shrugged.

"Whatever you wish, asshole." He said.

"Blood." Murmured the vampire.

Snape dragged Draco out to the stairs, out side.

"I can tell your failing your mission."

Draco tried to argue, but Snape pointed his wand at him.

"If this continues, I may just kill you, myself."

They both looked at each other as western music played from Slughorn's party.

Both they're hands reached for they're wands, but then.

"BLOOD!" Shouted the Vampire, knocking Snape down the stairs, and his wand out of his hands.

Snape struggled with the vampire.

The Vampire lifted Draco's wand, he had taken, and aimed it at Snape.

"Bloody Avata-" He shouted, but Snape picked up a half eaten pizza that had been dropped from Slughorn's party and flew it at the Vampire.

The Vampire screamed as the garlic toppings melted him.

Draco seemed to no better, than to try to fight Snape, after this.


	4. For a Few Galleons More

The

_**GOOD**_

The

**BAD**

_**And...**_

_**The **_

_**SNAPE**_

Snape was browsing his muggle phone when he got a text message from "iamlordvoldemort!magic7'

It only said a few words:

"kill dd r u die hard :d"

Snape took this to mean "Kill **D**umble**d**ore or you will die hard.", and that Voldemort was smiling about the big mission he gave Snape (':d').

Snape frowned.

Normally Voldemort just sent him 'i luv marshmellows' or 'bradpitt is sooo hot', but today Snape was given a task.

Snape decided it was time to put on the trench coat, again. A phrase meaning: Become Snape. Severis Snape.

"_You always have to work alone,_" He half hummed, "_When you're a tricksy wizard._ _It's just you, your wizarding ropes! And your 16-INCH, MAHOGANY,_ _**DRAGON HEART STRIIIIING, **__**WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..."**_

Everyone looked at him.

"Got-to-love-'I-Pods'." Said Snape, to the great hall.

"What the bloody beep is an 'A-Rod'?" Asked Ron, spitting out martini.

"It's some stupid muggle thing." Said Hermione.

Snape left after making a few sexual comments to Mugonigle.

"How the bloody f do you spell that name?" Asked Ron, looking up at the words 'Mugonigle'.

-

"Son-of-a-mud blood." Said Snape to Draco, in the room of requirement. "You actually finished it."

"Lucky for us," Said Snape, "Dumbledore and Potter are going out to have a few shots, get laid by drunken women, that sort of thing. They've been real party animals, lately, Mr. Malfoy."

"It's Malfoy," Said Draco, "Draco Malfoy. Since I'm the one who found a way in, I get the way cool catch phrases, now, Snapey. By the way, get me a butter martini. Shaken, not stirred. And give me that tux."

Snape snarled.

"The dark lord IMed _me, _today. Not you."

"By the way," Said Draco, ignoring Snape, "You know, the new James Bond is blond, too."

"Shut up!" Said Snape, and walked off.

-

That night, Dumbledore arrived at the lightning struck tower, rip roarin' drunk.

"Boy," He said, to a chick who wasn't there, "That was one wild time, we had together. Call me. Whooo!"

Snape walked in, along with many deatheaters.

Snape stuck Dumbledore's wand it it's holster.

Then, he picked up the locket Dumbledore had been holding.

"When this chime ends," Said Snape, "We draw wands to kill."

He started the music.

"_Weasley was born in a bin,_

_He always lets the qoufel in,"_

Dumbledore looked sober and tuff, but scared.

"_Weasley can't save anything,_

_Weasley is our king!"_

Snape placed his hand over his wand.

"_Weasley is our king,_

_Weasley is our king,"_

Dumbledore placed his hand over his wand.

"_He misses everything,_

_Weasley is our king!"_

All the deatheaters watched as the song played another course.

"_And that's why Slytherians all sing_

_Weasley is our king!"_

Sweat dripped from Dumbledore's brow.

"_Weasley is our king,_

_Weasley is our,_

_Weasley misses everything,_

_Weasley is our king!_"

As the locket clicked off, Snape wondered why it played that dumb song, and then both drew wands.

Both thought "_Avata Kadavra_".

A jet of green light hit Dumbledore, and his wand flew from his hand.

The Elder wand.

Dumbledore dropped to the floor, dead.

Snape caught the wand.

"Yippie-ky-fuck!" He said, and road out on his broom, into the sunset.

"_And so does the truste surpass the truster._" Said Dobby, strumming a gutar, "Hey, Dobby had to get a new job after narrating "_The Death of Henry James Potter_" fanfic."


	5. For a Few Galleons Still More

_**THE GOOD**_

_**THE BAD**_

_**AND THE**_

_** snape **_

Harry walked in Hogsmede up to a wanted sign.

The face was that of Balatrix Lastrange. The one they claimed had killed Sirius Black.

He looked at the poster closer. It was like a movie poster, only where a title would be, it said her name.

And where a date would be, it said "_$10,000 REWARD"_.

Harry wondered why it was always $10,000.

Then, he saw, where a tagline would be, it said: "_Dead or Alive_".

"_Dead or Alive_"

He stared at it harder, and began imagining/planning.

"_Dead or Alive_"

"_Dead_"

_BANG!_

"_Dead_"

_BANG!_"_Dead_"

_BANG!_"_Dead_"

_BANG!_"_Dead_"

_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_

_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_

_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_

_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_

_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_

_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_

"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_"_Dead_"_BANG!_

Harry walked off, as cool as a salamander under a rock.

Neville Longbottom approached the sign later on.

Instead of driving the reader crazy with violent fantasies, he lit a cigar, and spoke.

"Lastrange," He said, taking the cigar out of his mouth, "I'll never forget out you did to my family. So you better no I'm coming for you. We have a past, Lastrange. This business is personal. And it's gunna result in your blood bein' split."

He walked off.

-

Snape walked into the Ministry of Magic.

No one daring to confront him.

He saw, across the hall, someone else spying.

Draco Malfoy.

Draco had been whining like a wuss ever since Snape killed Dumbledore before Malfoy got there.

Snape went into the Department of Mysteries, hoping somewhere secret would give him time to come up with a plan.

Whoever killed Scrimjore would be sure to get a huge bounty.

"I'm not so sure if you spell it that way." Said Draco, who was already in they're, and referring to Scrimjore's name.

They both glared at each other, and approached.

Snape scraped his shoe against the high polished robs of Draco.

Draco did the same to Snape.

Snape punched him.

The deatheater mask fell off Draco.

When Draco tried to put it back on, Snape shot a death curse at the mask, sending flying of with a hole in it.

Draco tried again. But another jet of green light shot a hole in it.

And again.

And again.

Then, Draco's fingers were inches from the mask when yet another avata kadavra shot it away.

Draco summoned back his mask, and finally put it back on.

He then drew his wand, and thought '_avata kadavra_'.

A jet of green light knocked Snape's mask off.

Before it could land, Draco shot it again, and again.

Launching it higher and higher.

At last he let it go. After filling it with as many holes with interest as his own.

Snape smirked.

-

"I can't believe a Death Eater would run around with a wand like this," Said Malfoy, examining Snape's wand.

"That wand, Blonde, almost, killed'ya." Said Snape, "Now give it back, you red necked son of a bitch."

Malfoy smirked, "What if I didn't?"

Snape drew a ball-point pen from his pocket.

"I don't need a wand, Blonde," Said Snape, clicking the pen to write, "Or even' magic ta' kill somebody."

"Fine," Said Malfoy, tossing back the wand, which Snape caught, "But Scrimjore says a metal wand as never been able to match one made of wood."

"Will see." Said Snape.

-

Both Snape and Malfoy did a few hand gestures, before both bursting into Scrimjore's office.

Scrimjore leaned down, like a tiger.

"It's time to die," Said Scrimjore, "Mother-"

"I already used the one f-word available for a 'T' rating, Minister."

"Oh," Said Scrimjore, lifting his wand, "Smile, you son of a bitch, then!"

But Malfoy had already disarmed him, sending his wand shooting to the other side of the room.

"I don't think you'll be smiling, anymore," Said Malfoy, "Mother-"

"Quite cussin', Blonde," Said Snape, "Your not good at it."

Snape walked forward... menacingly!

He sat down, where Scrimjore had apparently been having launch.

It was roasted festral.

"I think it's fun to eat," Said Scrimjore, wanting to make conversation, "Since I can't see it. It's kind of 'fun food'."

"I can see it." Said Snape, placing some of the festral onto a plate, "Now when will Potter be leavin' #4 Private Drive?"

"Uh, what will happen if I don't tell you?" Asked Scrimjore.

Snape gestured with the knife he had been eating with, to a photo on Scrimjore's desk.

"Your family," He said, licking the blood of the festral off his knife.

"Ah," Said Scrimjore, "What if I told you they were arriving two days earlier of his birthday?"

"I'd tell you that would save your family," Snape Said, "But still not yourself. You see, when I get paid for my hard work, I always finish the job."

"Ah," Said Scrimjore, handing Snape a bag, "Well, I have 2,000 galleons right here."

"2,000?" Asked Snape, "That's 500 more than what I was offered, but I always finish the job. So your still as toasted as a flap jack over an open fire burnin' off fire whiskey."

Just then, Snape heard something outside the door. He had his back to the them.

He adjusted his wand, and turned around as the door flew open.

"I'm Aurors!" Five people shouted, about to run in.

But Snape had shot five sectem-sempras at them.

"How," Gasped the only living Auror left, "Did you know we were coming?"

"Your robes." Said Snape, cooly.

He shot a death curse, and the final Auror went down dead.

But Snape's wand then flew from his hand.

There was Scrimjore, he had taken back his own wand during the fight.

"There is more than one kind of rope." He said, pointing his own wand at Snape, prepared to kill him.

"Like a dress?" Asked a voice.

There was Malfoy, he shot another disarming spell, and Scrimjore lost his wand again.

Malfoy picked up both Snape and Scrimjore's wands.

"I envy you," He said to Snape, then to Scrimjore, "Wasn't it you who said a metal wand has never been able to match a wood one? Well, let's find out."

Malfoy tossed both wands on the floor. Scrimjore's wand by Scrimjore. Snape's wand next to Snape.

"And, now, we begin." Said Malfoy, crouching beside both of them. He lifted a the Slytherin locket in his hand, and opened it.

"Weasley was born in a bin,

He always let's the quaffel in,

Weasley can't save anything,

Weasley if our king!"

Scrimjore's fingers twitched. The locket played another course and half. Snape's feet tapped, getting ready to dive.

"Weasley is our king,

Weasley if our king,

Weasley misses everything,

Weasley is our king!"

Both dived down, and picked up there wands.

Snape was quicker at drawing.

They both froze there for a second, and then both thought "_Avata Kadavra_".

A jet of green light hit Scrimjore in the head.

He crashed down dead.

"Well done, Professor." Said Malfoy, trying to think of something cool to say, "How about I take the money for the Aurors, and you take the money for Scrimjore."

"No, no." Said Snape, lighting a cigar, "You've got it all wrong, Blonde. With the Aurors put together, it'll be about 1,800 galleons. Scrimjore's just 1,000 galleons."

"I'll just let you have it all, this time around," Said Malfoy, "Who I want his Moody. The one who helped walk up my father."

"Fair enough." Said Snape, blowing smoke into the office.

As Malfoy picked up Scrimjore's body to carry out, Snape used a charm to float all of the Aurors.

He counted the bodies.

"One, two, three, four... there should be five here." He said.

An Auror jumped at Snape from behind, but Snape shot a death curse, mid-attack.

He made the now dead Auror float, too.

"Five." He said, taking out his cigar.

"Havin' any trouble, Professor?" Asked Malfoy, Sneering from the end of the hall.

"No, Blonde," Said Snape, "Just trouble with my adding. I'm all right, now."

-

Snape and Malfoy went into the forbidden forrest.

Malfoy had already summoned Voldemort.

"You know," Said Snape, "I kept the 2,000 galleons Scrimjore gave me. I think he wanted me to kill you."

Malfoy paused, at first scared. Then, he began laughing.

So did Snape.

"Thing is," Said Snape, "When I get paid for my hard work, I always finish the job."

Malfoy ducked behind a tree, but Snape sent death curse after death curse until one hit him.

Snape laughed as he looked down at Malfoy's body through the fog. And flipped his wand into it's holster.

Using his wand, he flipped on a wireless, playing the theme of "The Good, The Bad, And the Ugly."

"You never really were my favorite student, Blonde." He said, placing his Death Eater mask on, and adjusting it cooly, "I always thought of you as a wuss, you mother-... I mean, you sleek haired, son of a pure-blood."


	6. MadEye

Snape gazed at a picture in his office.

He had been headmaster for a few months at Hogwarts. But it was really just an opportunity for him to be given missions.

"Agent Snape," Said Voldermort's voice,

"What is it, V?" Asked Snape.

"We have uncovered a new scheme, concocted by the Order of the Phoenix. They only call it, 'The 'Mad-Eye' Program'. It is a code, a curse; which, when activated in the phoenix dome, will transmit an enchantment powerful enough to make all magic fall apart in London, as well as Hogwarts. We need you to recover these plans before they reach the Phoenix Dome in Phoenix Arizona. The Phoenix Dome will be holding the super-bowl, this year. Enough Muggles in one place, all shouting their spit into the air, will be powerful enough to activate the mad-eye program. Mister Snape, these plans must be returned to England before the Super-Bowl."

"Lying somewhere between here, and the other side of the world," Said Snape, getting his bond spirit back, "Likely to fall into a place with a huge crowd, able to put half the wizarding world back in the merlin age. So far, I don't see a down side."

Voldemort looked stern.

"Do not take this mission lightly, Mister Snape." He said.

"Oh," Said Snape, "I wouldn't dream of that. What would give you such an idea, V?"

Voldemort glared, again.

"Come to the Ministry," He said, "P has some new devices he wishes to show you."

_**When you make a horocrux, you don't know what you gain. You don't know what you give to comply. Until you look insiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide! Lift your wand, because there's no Dumbledore to saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave you. And your own House Elf will kill you, are you ready to fight? This magical blood, runs threw all my veins, you know my naaaaaaaaaaaame! You know my name! You know my name! **_

Snape walked into the Ministry, as Belletrix passed him.

"Really, Bella," Asked Snape, grinning, "Your still not speaking after last night?"

"If you keep pretending there is something between us, Severus," Said Belletrix, "I will kill you after much, much pain. And I will then eat you alive."

"I look forward to it, Bella" Said Snape, strolling down to P's test lab.

"Hello, Mister Snape," Said Percy, "I have some wonderful new brain storms that are sure to cause quite a hurricane to your enemies."

"Hello, P" Said Snape, "And if it's a hurricane, I won't except anything below a category seven."

Percy grinned.

"Well," He said, "The boys back at the lab came up with this."

He picked up a wand, and waved it three times. Then ran to the other side of the room.

The wand turned into a werewolf's head, and lurched to swallow whatever was near it.

"It was designed as a prank wand." He said, "But it can now swallow it's older with just three flicks in a row. All it took was to leave it out in the moonlight for a few hours to finish it."

"Fred and George are now with us?" Asked Snape.

"Apparently they are." Said Percy, uninterested, "They seemed to think it would be a good laugh to see how mom would react."

"To hear there death eaters," Asked Snape, taking the weapon, "Or to see her use one of these wands?"

"Not sure," Said Percy, "I think both."

"Mister Snape," Said Wormtail, "I have information on where the Mad-Eye Program is located."

"Then speak it, Worm," Said Snape, "I do have to save the world before the super-bowl, no less than three days from now, so I do have to rush just a bit."

"It has been found in Phoenix Arizona," Said Wormtail, grinning,

"Don't make me abuse my license", Said Snape, "Did you receive any further information?"

"Nope." Said Wormtail, "Except that the Order is bringing it."

"Your really a day, or perhaps a year behind today, Worm," Said Snape, "Aren't you."

"Is there anything else I can do?" Asked Wormtail.

"Yes," Said Snape, "Make sure to tell Bella I won't be long, and not to worry."


End file.
